Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
