i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
