yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
