my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
