nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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