My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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