I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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