yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
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