I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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