I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
