WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
