my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
