I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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