I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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