I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
