OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
