Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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