Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*