then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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