life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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