I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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