Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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