My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
