I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
