Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
