I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
