so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
