Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize