Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
