he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
