I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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