my phone needs a breathalizer
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Randomize
