Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
