Your face is a jimmy john
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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