The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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