And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
