i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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