my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
operation have a gay friend backfired
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
