I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
found the other keg... it's in the tree
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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