Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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