Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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