Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
