my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
my poor anus
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
