i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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