The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
