Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
