i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
