TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Randomize
