Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
