Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
