Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
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And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
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Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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