she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
be right there i have to get my cape
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
