my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
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