My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
