I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
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You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
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Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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