I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
