so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
