ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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