guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I look better un-naked...
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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