im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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