Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
